


That 'Four Letter Word'

by jess_louisee_1995



Category: Holby City
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-20
Updated: 2017-04-05
Packaged: 2018-09-25 22:17:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 6,593
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9848771
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jess_louisee_1995/pseuds/jess_louisee_1995
Summary: Just a little one-shot of Berena, set after the episode 'Four Letter Word'





	1. Chapter 1

Watching Serena talk to Mr Simpson, Bernie reflected on what a day it had been. From that morning, thinking Serena had finally managed to turn a corner, to this afternoon finding those empty wine bottles in Serena's draw and realising she hadn't turned a corner, she'd only sunk deeper into her depressive state. 

Having Jasmine cover for her hadn't helped. Bernie had known it from the look she'd got in theatre. She'd wanted to make Serena see that this wasn't something she could brush under the carpet. But then Jasmin had jumped in and defended her, saying she'd bought all the bottles as a present. Then after everything in theatre, the shaking hands, then the car alarm. It had been a tough day for both of them.

Bernie had just got Serena to admit she needed help when Jasmine had come in about Mr Simpson. Serena had gone to talk to him as she had a grasp on what he was going through. 

Watching as she got up and walked back to the office, Bernie made the decision to go after her. Her shoes squeaked as she walked into the office.  
'If you wait 5 minutes, I'll give you a lift home.'  
Serena turned around at the slight mention of her voice. Bernie was rewarded with a small smile.  
'I think I'll walk.'  
Bernie was slightly disappointed but didn't want to push it.   
'Okay.' And she turned away to walk out the office.  
'Bernie?' Serena saying her name stopped her.  
'You will come round later though?'  
Her voice was almost pleading. Bernie walked up to her and wrapped her arms around her neck. Relief flooded through Serena as she pulled Bernie even closer, putting her arms around her waist as she did so.

'I don't want us to fall apart.'  
'Neither do I.'  
'You're too important to me Serena. I hate to see you like this.'  
'Bernie?'  
'Yeah?'  
'What I said about walking. I think it's too far. Does the offer of a lift still stand?'  
'Of course it does. Give me 2 minutes to get changed?'  
'I'm not going anywhere.'  
'Okay. I'll be right back.'

Bernie broke contact with Serena and walked out of the office, smiling as she left. Finally Serena had let her in. Now she had, Bernie couldn't let her down. She had to her support through this. Help her survive and adjust to life without Elinor. 

'Ready?'   
Serena popped her head around the door of the office as Bernie was collecting her bag and coat.  
'Yes. Where did you go?'  
'Just to the loo. Sorry did I keep you.'  
'No, of course not. Let's go.'  
Serena shyly offered Bernie her hand, who began to grin from ear to ear. When Bernie took the hand, she returned her smile with genuine warmth.

*******************************

Opening the door, Serena held it open for Bernie, who was carrying the takeaway in her hands. Neither of them had eaten much so Bernie had decided to get them both an Indian on her way home. It was Serena's favourite and she knew it might help ease the atmosphere between them.

'Sorry about the state of the place. I haven't been keeping on top of things.'  
'Hun, I didn't come over to critique you on your housekeeping skills. I came over because you asked me too, because I wanted to.'  
'I know; but still.'  
'Serena...'

Bernie put the bag down on the table. Jason was already in bed. He was still finding it hard adjusting to life without Elinor and had shut himself away.   
'I got you something...'  
'Me?'  
Bernie pulled an envelope out of her bag and handed it to Serena.  
'I wasn't sure whether to give it to you but you may as well have it.'  
Serena opened the envelope, genuinely confused. It was a Valentine's Card. Hands shaking slightly she opened it and read the message inside 

'To my wonderful Serena.  
Words cannnot begin to express how thankful I am for the time we've had together. I know it's only been a short while but I want you to know I am in this for the long haul. I cannot begin to tell you what you mean to me. And I know you're struggling right now, but I'm here with you. Here whatever life throws at us. Being with you has made you happier than I have ever been.  
Love, Bernie'

Tears welled up in Serena's eyes as she read the last line of the message. Without a word she left the room and went upstairs. Bernie didn't know where she'd gone but she a minute later she came back downstairs holding an envelope of her own.  
'I got you one as well, but I'm sorry. I forgot it was today. Otherwise I'd have given it to you sooner.'  
'Serena it's okay. I'm amazed you even remembered.'  
'Well I didn't, but Jason did. He's been badgering me about it for the last week so picked one up a couple of days ago. I'm sorry I forgot.'  
Serena handed Bernie her card, who opened it immediately.

'Bernie.  
I really don't know what to say to you. I haven't been the easiest person to be with for the last couple of months, but I am getting there slowly. You mean the world to me, and I need you to know what.   
Love Serena'

'That last part, do you mean that?'  
'I could ask you the same thing.'  
'Well then, yes. I love you Serena.'  
'I love you too. I'm so sorry about the last few weeks.'  
'Serena, stop apologising. It's been a terrible time. But we'll get through this. I promise. Know why?'  
'Why?'  
'Because what we have is special. It's too important for either one of us to lose. We love each other that has to count for something.'  
'It does, it really does.'

Serena grabbed Bernies hands and pulled her into her.  
'Thank you for everything. The card, the talk earlier.'  
'It's okay.'  
'Can I ask you something?'  
'Hun, of course you can?'  
'Would you mind... would you mind...could you?'  
'Serena, what is it?'  
'Would you mind staying with me tonight? I really don't want to be on my own.'  
Bernies grip around Serena tightened which answered her question for her.  
'Of course I will. Nowhere else in the world I would rather be.'  
'Thank you.'

Serena hadn't had it easy over the last few months but with a little bit of tough love from Bernie, it had snapped her out of her depressive state, and back on to the road of recovery. She knew with Bernie by her side, to guide her from the dark into the light, she would always be able to survive anything. Just like love.


	2. What We Pretend To Be

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter follows on after the episode 'What We Pretend To Be.'

The last week hadn't been the easiest for Serena. She had really been trying to regulate her drinking. The drink had helped numb the pain she still felt so regularly after Elinor. And after a few drinks, the pain was virtually invisible to her. It was easier for her to escape into a glass and drink away her problems, and it wasn't a habit she wanted to break.

But she knew she had to. While Jasmine had covered for her, Bernie had worked it out. After their Valentines in together, the next day Serena had gone to counselling. Bernie had offered to go with her but she knew it was something she had to do on her own. It was so hard for her to confront her grief but having Bernie by her side was all the inspiration she needed.

The last week they'd been virtually inseperable- with Bernie staying at Serena's most nights and then going to work together. But today was Bernies day off. Serena hadn't had the best shift ever. Jasmine had made another mistake and Serena had given her a formal warning. Morven thought she was being too hard on her. But she didn't see, Serena had to make sure she didn't make the same mistakes again.

'It's the lions job to teach the lamb, even if it kills them.' Elinors last words had been ones that Serena was determined to uphold. Taking Jasmine under her wing had been a big decision on her part but she wanted to make sure Jasmine was the best doctor possible.

But she kept making mistakes and Serena had to keep upping the pressure. But as she watched Jasmine and Morven leave he ward together laughing, she was hit by a pang of jealousy. Here were two young girls who had their whole lives ahead of them, and because of Jasmines mistake, her daughter had been robbed of the chance to do anything ever again. Serena had to drill it into Jasmine that actions had severe consequences. But today was over. Bernie was at home with Jason, so she picked up her coat and bag, and left AAU.

Opening the door Serena was greeted by the smell of cooking. Bernie must have made some dinner. She was later than usual.   
'Serena?'  
Bernie cane out into the hall, flicking on the light. Serena had been stood in complete darkness.  
She jumped as the light was switched on.  
'Hi..'  
'How was it today? I told you I would have come in if you had needed me.'  
'I have to start minding the ward on my own. I love you for the worry, but I need to start putting one foot in front of the other on my own.'  
'Serena, no-one would blame you if you wanted to take a step back?'  
'I don't want to take a step back Bernie. I promise I'll be fine.'  
'You won't be fine ever again.'  
'Well no. But as you said, I'll survive. I've got you and Jason to survive for.'  
'Speaking of Jason..'  
'Is he okay?'  
'Serena, I'm worried about him. He's barely said two words all night. He came down for his dinner and then went upstairs again. I don't know what to say to him. He thinks it's his fault.'  
'His fault?'  
'He thinks if he hadn't told Elinor about you not being deputy CEO anymore than you wouldn't have argued.'  
'It's not his fault. Ellie, well she is headstrong. She gets that from me. We'd have argued anyway. It's not Jason's fault. Or mine.'  
'Serena, you don't still blame Jasmine do you?'  
'I don't blame her. But she needs to learn that actions have consequences. I'm making her better. I'm teaching her.'  
'Teaching her?'  
'Teaching her the error of her ways. But can we not talk about this. I've had a hard day.'  
'Of course, I'm sorry. Would you like me to go so you can be on your own?'  
'Bernie, that is the last thing I want.'

Bernie watched as Serena took off her coat and shoes, before impulsively grabbing her arms and pulling her closer to her. Just like the hug last week, it said all it needed to in one moment, without saying a word.  
'I'm here for you whatever you need. We can do this together.'  
'Do you mean that?'  
'Serena, you need me. And I need you. You just need to talk to me. I wanted to tell you I loved you for so long but I could never find the right time.'  
'Really?'  
'Your first day back. When I told you I missed you. And you said you needed space. I was about to say just know I'm here because I love you. But it felt wrong. You're grieving for Elinor, it felt wrong.'  
'I wish you had told me.'  
'Well I don't need to say it for it to be true. You know how I feel about you. And Jason.'  
'Bernie, will you stay again tonight?'  
'Of course I will. I told you, I'm here for you whatever you need.'

We can only really be ourselves with others when we stop kidding ourselves. Serena had finally stopped kidding the outside world she was fine and Bernie was here for her. What we pretend to be doesn't define us- it just stops us reaching out for help when all the help we need is our loved ones by our side.


	3. The Price We Pay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter follows on from the episode The Price We Pay.   
> Contains spoilers from the episode of you haven't seen it already.

Bernie had gone into today with a positive outlook. She finally thought Serena had turned a corner. She was going to the counselling sessions regularly and she seemed brighter in herself. She'd even managed to cut out drinking altogether. 

She hadn't been over much in the last week because she'd fallen behind with her schedule. Just like today she'd been rushed off her feet, but the rug had been pulled from under her earlier. Serena had mentioned a complaint about bullying. Bernie had been torn because she had felt at times Serena was being a bit hard on Jasmine but she knew her intentions weren't malicious. But rather than try and pick a side, she'd made an excuse and left. 

But then she'd come back from completing observations on a patient to find Serena having a meltdown in the middle of AAU and venting her frustration at Jasmine. She's tried to intervene but Serena either hadn't heard her or had ignored her. So she'd been pushed out again. It was becoming a regular occurrence of late. But she wasn't going to let Serena do this alone. Despite all her bravado.

*********************************

Serena closed her front door behind her, and slowly slid down to the floor. Today had been one hell of a day. She was so wrapped up in the grief and pain of losing Elinor, and she knew she had to let go of it, but she couldn't. It was the last thing she had of Elinor. Her loss had left such a void in her life that no amount of 'teaching' would ever fill. 

She knew she had been blaming Jasmine but she'd convinced herself she was trying to better her. The guilt and grief had consumed her and was eating her from the inside out. No matter how much she told herself she was fine, in truth she wasn't. 

After her meltdown in AAU, she didn't expect Jasmine to want to speak to her again. Let alone still want to be mentored by her. The fact she thought Serena was good for her said more about her as a person than it did as a doctor. Jasmine that is, not Serena. Serena had wanted so much to escape in to the out of a bottle but she was trying to show she could handle her emotions, but she in truth, had so much trouble getting through every day. 

Luckily for her, Jac had mentioned something to Hanssen who was now determined to tackle the issue before it became a problem. He was also willing to let Serena still be at work. He said they would support her until she was ready. He had no idea what that had meant to her.

She'd been so desperate to escape, she'd left without saying goodbye to Bernie. Bernie, why was she continuing to push her away? She was trying so hard to be there for her, she'd even tried to stop Serena saying what she did on the ward. She'd said no to her but Serena had been too het up to even notice her or respond to her. Serena wondered whether Bernie had finally had enough. Had she lost her, like she had lost Elinor?

********************************

A knocking at the door brought Serena out of herself. Huddling down further, she tried to avoid being seen. She didn't want to see anyone in her current state.  
'Serena?'  
Bernies voice came through the letterbox, just to her right.   
'Serena?'  
Despite it all, Serena began to cry.  
'Serena, I know you're there, I can hear you crying. Please let me in.'  
'Bernie, what are you doing here?'  
'I came to see you, why else would I be here? Tough day right?'  
'I'm having more and more of them lately.'  
'Serena, we knew this wasn't going to be easy.'  
'Bernie, I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm so angry.'  
'You're grieving its understandable. You just need to give it time. You'll find ways of coping and it will get easier I promise.'  
'Really?'  
The rattling of the letterbox made Serena turn her head. Bernies hand was in front of her.  
'Take my hand.'  
Serena grabbed Bernies hand.  
'Serena, we need to take this one day at a time. Put one foot in front of the other. Talk to me if you're struggling. That's what partners do. Please let me help you.'  
'It's so hard.'  
'I know.'  
'Thank you.'  
'You're welcome, now can you please let me in?'

Serena let go of Bernies hand and stood up. Opening the door, her emotions cane to the surface again as Bernie rushed in the door shutting it behind her. Before anything else, she wrapped her arms around her and pulled her close.  
'Remember what I said? I don't want us to fall apart.'  
'Neither do I.'  
'I don't know what you're going through Serena but I do know that I love you and I hate seeing you in pain. My heart broke to see you the way you were earlier. It's killing me to see you like this.'  
'I'm sorry.'  
'You don't have anything to apologise for. I understand. Please let everyone else help you.'  
'I was wrong about Jasmine.'  
'I know.'  
'You know?'  
'Serena, you have been really hard on her, but I know you're intentions were good. Or at least you weren't intending to bully her.'  
'The patient earlier, Rose Temperance, she reminded me of Elinor. I keep thinking I'm getting better, and then something brings me back to earth with a bump. It reminds me of her and it hurts so much'

Bernie removed her arms from Serena's neck and held her hand instead.  
'It's okay to be reminded of her. It's okay for it to hurt. It's not okay for you to have been treating Jasmine the way you have. But now you've seen the error of your ways. Let's hope that's the end of the matter now.'  
'I'm going to try Bernie I really am.'  
'We all will. You and me can handle anything. I love you Serena, that counts for everything in my book.'  
'And I love you too. Thank you for this'

Serena had a long way to go. She didn't know if she would ever recover from the dark place in which she found herself. But she knew Elinor wouldn't want to see her like this. She knew she had to try and find a way to move on. It was easier said than done, but she was going to try. 

When you get so consumed by grief, guilt and anger, clarity and sanity go out of the window as well as reality. We get so wrapped up in or emotions that we lose sight of everything else because their so strong and they hurt so.  
That is the price we pay for feeling such strong emotions and Serena had paid her price more than enough. The question was, could she stop making herself pay the price and instead break even with her conscience and finally start to move on and rebuild her life?


	4. Other People's Dreams

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter follows after the episode Other People's Dreams aired on 7th March 2017.  
> Enjoy!

A week had passed since Serena's meltdown on AAU with Jasmine. Serena had begun on what she thought could be her salvation. Despite what had happened last week, Jasmine was still determined to be mentored by Serena. Serena had been determined to prove to herself she could be a good teacher and mentor; without pushing Jasmine to the brink.

Bernie had been spending most nights at Serena's. She'd been with Serena last night when she'd had the strength to start sorting through Elinors things. Bernie's heart had swelled with love for Serena as she had watched her sat in the middle of the living room floor surrounded by bits and pieces of Elinors life. She was still Elinors mother after all, nothing would ever change that. Bernie had been moving a box of old school things when the badge had fallen on the floor. 

Seeing it had reduced Serena to tears. She had been so proud when Elinor had been made head girl, like her. Her emotions were becoming rather like a tap. She knew when to switch off but at that moment, she couldn't stop the tears from flowing out of her. Bernie had said nothing, but had moved as close as she could and wrapped her arms around her. Serena had put her head on Bernies chest and sobbed quietly into her shirt. 

*********************************

Today had been a good day all around. Bernie hadn't really seen Serena much as she'd been pre-occupied with the operation collaboration between AAU and Darwin. Serena and Jac in the same theatre with knives to hand. Even she was a little bit apprehensive about that could have panned out. 

She herself had spent the day monitoring Jasmine as they'd worked together on a case. Bernie had been concerned that the attachment between Jasmine and Serena wasn't completely one-sided. Serena was after all going through a lot st the moment, and she had a feeling Jasmine was unknowingly trying to replace Elinor in her life. 

But Jasmine has refuted the accusation and Bernie had taken her at her word. Did that mean she believed her? No, but it was a shepherds job to watch over their flock, and that was what she intended to do. 

*******************************

Serena walked out the hospital for he first time feeling positive. She'd made significant headway with Jasmine today; and she's managed to get through a shift without breaking down in anger or tears. Bernie had left without saying goodbye which was slightly odd. Serena had thought they were making progress. 

'Serena.'  
The voice behind her stopped her in her tracks. She turned around to see Bernie standing there.  
'I thought you'd gone'  
'Without you? Why would you think that?'  
'I don't know. We've been living in each other's pocket for the last few days. I thought you might want a break.'  
'Serena, the only thing I want is you. My partner; the woman I love. When will you realise I'm not going anywhere? That was the old me, I've changed.'  
'I know, it's just hard for me to open up.'  
'I know and I understand. We're getting there slowly. Day by day. Putting one foot in front of the other, taking he journey together, that's what we need to do.'  
'Bernie?'  
'Yes?'  
'Will you come back to mine?'

Bernie ran over to Serena and wrapped her arms around her pulling her in for a hug. Serena responded immediately without hesitation. Together they clung to each other in the car park of the hospital knowing that each other, at that moment, needed to be held.  
'Of course I will. I'd do anything for you, you know that.'  
'I'm starting to believe that Bernie I really am.'  
Together they took each other's hands and made their way over to Serena's car. 

People we love can have such a massive impact in our life. Serena had changed Bernies outlook and made her stop running and confront her demons. Bernies live was changing Serena from the horrible person grief had made her into. Love was the best medicine to cure any problem. Because our lives, our dreams and our dates are all interwoven by a force much greater than all of us put together. When we accept other people's dreams, hopes, fears, everything that makes them who they are, that is when we know we are loved, just as Bernie and Serena did in that moment.


	5. The Hangover

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter follows on from the episode 'The Hangover' which aired on 14th March 2017.

A week had passed with no major complications. Serena had gone into today with a positive outlook but she found herself becoming harder and harder with regards to Jasmine. She didn't think she could mentor her for much longer, and after Bernie had informed her of how well Jasmine had done in theatre with the patient, Serena had passed on her congratulations to Jasmine but left it at that. 

They left the hospital together that night. Jason was staying with Alan. Serena had been seeing less and less of him recently but she thought it was his way of coping. Hand in hand, they stopped at their cars, which they had parked side by side in the car park that morning.   
'Well, goodnight.' Bernie squeezed Serena's hand and turned around to unlock her car. Today had been a good day but she had a feeling Serena wanted to be alone, so she hadn't suggested anything. 

She got into the car and shut the door behind her, about to wave to Serena when the woman herself opened the passenger door and sat in the seat next to her.  
'Serena?'  
'Is that all I get? Goodnight?'  
'Sorry?'  
'Bernie, today's been a good day. I don't want to end it yet. I want to be with you.'  
'Are you sure?'  
'Bernie, please, I'm sure.'

Serena reached over and put her hand on Bernies leg. As their eyes met, the two of them looked at each other for a moment before Serena moved away and Bernie out the keys into the ignition.   
'So, where to?'  
'Yours? I can pick up my car tomorrow.'  
'Ok.'  
Serena smiled at Bernie as she put the car into gear and headed for home.

******************************

Serena sat on the edge of the sofa. She glanced around the room. It had been so long since she'd been here. Well after the new year.  
'Make yourself at home silly.' Bernie cane into the living room, holding the mugs. She put them on the side table and sat on the sofa drawing her legs up underneath her.  
'Are you sure?'  
'Serena, you're welcome here any time day or night you know that.'  
'I know.'  
'So, please, stop feeling uncomfortable and just make yourself at home.'   
'Okay.'

Serena tentatively pulled her shoes off and curled up on the sofa next to Bernie. Bernie wrapped one arm around Serena and pulled her over to her, so they were practically sat in each other's laps.  
'So, good day today?'  
'Yes, you were brilliant with Jasmine, letting her take the lead in theatre.'  
'Well, she deserved a break and she did well. But she's had an excellent teacher.'  
'Don't. I've been no sort of teacher and we both know it.'  
'Serena, credit where credit is due. You've been hard yes but she has been with you every step of the way. You know I was worried last week?'  
'About what?'  
'I thought she might see you as a kind of mother figure.'  
'Me? I've already told you nurturing isn't my thing. I haven't got it in me.'  
'But you have Serena, you must see that. You're like a mother to Jason and you will always be Elinors mum.'

Serena leant her head on Bernies chest. Bernie froze for a second at the contact but then wrapped both arms over Serena, protecting her almost.   
'Thank you'  
'What for?'  
'Just being here. Means more to me than you know Serena.'  
'You're thanking me? Bernie, you've been amazing to me the last few weeks. I know it's not been easy but with you by my side, I hope I've come through the worst of it.'  
'I think you have. You're be strongest woman I know Serena. Jasmine, AAU, everyone is a credit to you.'  
'Speaking of Jasmine, can I ask you something?'  
'Anything.'  
'Would you take over from me as her mentor? I'm not sure I can cope much longer. Is unbearable to try and cope with her as well as the ward and counselling. It's unfair to her. I pushed her too hard.'  
'Of course I will, although I rather think she'll be disappointed.'  
'Thank you.'

Serena snuggled down into Bernie. This was the happiest she'd been in a while. She knew she would never be completely happy again but with Bernie by her side, she knew she had a shot.

Most of the hospital had been nursing 'the hangover' that morning, a pain easily cured by painkillers and rest. The pain between Serena and Bernie was healing very slowly with time and love. They were doing this together, one day at a time. It was all they could do.


	6. Growing Pains

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter follows the episode 'Growing Pains' which aired on 21st March 2017

In the last week, Serena and Bernie had grown even closer. They'd not spent a night apart from each other. Serena was still going to the counselling sessions but was still finding it hard to get out. Bernie was slowly trying to encourage her to get out more, but for the moment Serena was content with her work life and being at home with Bernie. It was all she really needed.

Today had been a day of opposites for the two of them. Serena had been running the ward all day alone as Bernie had been involved in a very complicated operation with Mr Hanssen and Mr Griffin. She'd been in one of those moods but the arrival of Evie had seen a change in her. The two of them had always shared a special bond, and Serena did have experience with teenage daughters, whereas Fletch was clearly struggling. She'd enjoyed a chat with Evie in the office and she'd actually got some unintentional advice from the teenager on how to cope with grief.  
Bernie, on the other hand, had had anything but a calming day. Theatre had been rushed off their feet and while it has been a success, it had taken all of 7 hours.

Bernie stood outside the hospital, looking up at the sky when she felt the hand slip into her own.   
'Ready to go?'   
'Of course.'  
As they crossed over the car park to where Serena's car was parked (Bernie had left here at Serena's that morning), Serena squeezed Bernies hand.  
'I missed you today.'  
'Really?'  
'Of course.'  
'I would much rather have been with you Serena, you know that.'  
'I do yes.'

Serena unlocked her car and the two of them got in. The journey home was filled with a lapsed and comfortable silence. The two of them were growing stronger every day. 

*********************************

Bernie got into bed beside Serena and pulled the duvet over her. Ashe laid back on the pillows, Serena rolled towards her and took up her favourite position- her head on Bernies chest. Bernie automatically reached her arms around Serena and hugged her as close as she could. 

'Did you really miss me today?'  
'Of course I did; but other than that I think today has been good. I texted Elinor before I came to meet you'  
'You texted her? Why?'  
'Something Evie said to me. She texts her mum sometimes. It helps her get some thoughts off her chest and she feels closer to her. So I tried it.'  
'And did you feel closer to her?'  
'In a way. But nothing I do will ever bring her back.'  
'Well yes, but she lives on in you Serena. You'll always be her mum. I keep telling you. You will never forget her so she will always be with you.'  
'And you will as well right?'  
'Serena, I will never leave you I promise. I love you'  
'And I love you as well.'

Bernie and Serena talked into the small hours of the morning before they both fell asleep wrapped in each other's arms. 

The two of them were growing stronger and closer with each passing day. Serena was finally starting to move on after Elinor and Bernie was her reason for doing that. They had both shared their amount of pain and suffering. What people might call 'growing pains' but that was so much more. They had experienced more than most couples ever do and they were still fairly new and fresh. But they knew they loved each other and through the mess of growing pains, they had managed to help each other grow through the pain and they were here together, which was all that mattered.


	7. Unbreakable

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter follows on from the episode- 'Unbreakable' which aired on 28th March 2017

After taking a few baby steps forward over the last few weeks with Serena, Bernie felt as if one day had undone all of her hard work. And today has started so well as well. She had honestly thought Serena was beginning to turn things around. She had arrived on the ward that morning to find Serena in a happier mood in the office. She had sat herself on the desk next to Serena but had resisted initiating any physical contact because it was their workplace and Serena had still been working through some issues. To say shed been happy when Serena had touched her leg and held her hand in the space of about a minute had been an understatement. It showed Bernie that Serena was including her and being there with her. But the arrival of Jo Welsh changed the events of the day more than she could have forseen. 

Serena had completely lost in theatre when Jo had died and shed had to be prised away from the table by Matteo. Hearing her daughters heart beating earlier had given her some solace. Elinors death hadn't been completely in vain. And Jo herself had said how she had felt since the operation, how her donor must have had such a thirst for life. But then shed died in theatre, all Serena could see was Elinor dying and shed been powerless to stop it the second time. It wasn't Jo on that table, it was her daughter and Serena had lost her all over again. She was inconsolable and Jasmine had just been in the wrong place at the wrong time. Serena had said to her that shed wished it was her lying in the morgue. She was so wrapped up in grief and anger and Jasmine was the easiest person to target. 

Bernie had heard it from Jasmine before she went to the office. Shed been on her way to theatre after hearing what had happened from Matteo. He'd been worried enough to mention it to Bernie, but shed ran into Jasmine on the way, who was putting on a brave face. As she opened the office door, Serena had drank half a bottle of Shiraz. She immediately took the bottle away from her and poured it into the wastebin.  
'What did you do that for?'  
'I've just seen Jasmine. Why are you hell bent on breaking that girl?'  
'I asked you a question first.'  
'Drinking yourself into oblivion wont help you, nothing will, until you admit you have a problem Serena. Jasmine is in pieces out there.'  
'Im proving a point.'  
'And what point is that?'  
'That shes unbreakable.'  
'Unbreakable.'  
'She swans through her life making mistake after mistake. Her own sister wants nothing to do with her, that should prove to everyone what kind of doctor and person she is. Shes moved three times in the past year and she seems to be unbreakable.'  
'But Serena that's not your call. And she is still a person. She has feelings, and you've really upset her.'

Serena looked up at Bernie, suddenly flushed with anger.  
'I've upset her? I've upset her? Did you actually just say that? After everything she's done, you have the nerve to tell me off for upsetting her.'  
'But Serena, she hasn't actually done anything.'  
'Yes, she has! My daughter is dead! That's all down to her! Its her fault. Nothing will bring her back and every time I look at Jasmine, I see Ellie. How Jasmine should have picked up on it but didn't. Why is Ellie dead and shes still here? Its so unfair.'  
Serena broke down again into absolute fits of tears. Bernie stood rooted to the spot for a moment, taking in the sight of the woman she loved in this state. There was nothing she wouldn't do to help her but all her efforts were in vain if Serena refused to help herself. Pressing the self-destruct button wouldn't give Bernie any reassurance. 

Doing the only thing she could think of, she walked up to Serena and wrapped her arms around her, pulling her close. Rubbing her arms up and down her back, she held a sobbing Serena against her chest until her sobs quietened and eventually subsided.   
'Im sorry.'  
The words were barely audible and Bernie had to ask Serena again.  
'I'm sorry'  
'What for?'  
'This. This isn't what you signed up for Bernie I know that. I don't know why youre still here.'  
'Are you kidding me? Im here because I love you Serena. You're stronger than this.'  
'Am I? Because I'm tired of fighting the battles of every day life. It all seems so pointless now. I have nothing left. Ellie is gone, shes not coming back.'

Bernie released her grip on Serena, the hurt in her eyes and her voice, as she digested what Serena had just said.  
'You have nothing?'  
'Well, you know what I mean.'  
'No, I'm not sure that I do.'  
'Bernie, please, I cant do this right now.'  
'Serena, we seem to be going round and round in circles right now. Just when I think youre on the road to recovery, you press the self-destruct button again. Why? Are you hell bent on ruining Jasmine?'  
'Jasmine? When did this become about Jasmine?'  
'Serena, you're suffocating her, why can't you see? I know youre hurting but exerting power over Jasmine isn't going to make you feel any better. 

Serena was suddenly furious. She pushed Bernie away and grabbed her coat.  
'How dare you? You have absolutely no idea what I'm going through. How do you know what is going to make me feel better and what wont. Bernie Wolfe doesn't know everything about everyone. I don't need you to tell me how to do my job. I was managing perfectly fine without you when you ran away to Kiev and left me alone. You have absolutely no grasp on what im going through. Youre supposed to be my partner, I'm the one you proclaim to love, but you take Jasmines side, why is that? I don't know whats got into you Bernie, but I cant deal with this right now. Leave me alone.'  
Serena ran out the office, crying again. Bernie turned on her heels to see an open mouthed Jason standing in the doorway.  
'Why did Auntie Serena say all that to you Bernie? She wasn't very nice to you. '  
'No she wasn't Jason, but its okay. Shes hurting and shes taking it out on me. I would rather that than Jasmine.'  
'Jasmine? Is Auntie Serena being mean to her as well?'  
'Come in and ill tell you what happened today. Then maybe we can make youre Auntie Serena see sense.'  
'Why do you care so much Bernie?'  
'Simple Jason, I love her. And love is unbreakable. She might be lost at the moment but I have to help her break free of this hole shes dug herself. Because I love her and underneath it all, she loves me too. That has to be worth something.'

Bernie was remaining positive to Jason, but had she done the right thing in telling him? She was completely lost as to how she could help Serena. She had come back to work too early; it was obvious to everyone, she needed a break. But Bernie knew Serena would keep pushing Jasmine until she broke her. She thought Jasmine was unbreakable, but she wasn't. Nothing is unbreakable, and if Serena carried on the way she was, Bernie feared she would not only break Jasmine, but she would break herself in the process and then there would be no going back.


End file.
